| Aug. 2nd, 2006 @ 06:56 pm proof |
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I just watched Proof. How many times have I been made to feel as if I were indeed crazy? Many I must say. From recalling events that my family says never happened to my “crazy” womanly actions, thoughts, and feelings. No matter who denies these things it never fails to leave me questioning myself and my sanity. Having had a bout of insanity due to certain events within a certain lesbian triangle, I do find myself questioning myself more often than not. I can no longer trust my instinct. There are special ppl in my life who seem to enjoy telling/showing me just how wrong I am in what I think, feel, do, etc. People whom are supposed to love and encourage me. Maybe they do not realize that their sarcastic joking/kidding is very negative and not very funny. Maybe it is because they have become more and more negative (at least in an outwardly spoken kind of way) as time has gone on. It just feels like I am not allowed negative feelings toward them at all. If I do something silly they by all means are allowed to get pissy with me. But when their negative attitude and meanderings have brought me forth into a negative realm of my own I get a lecture about how bitchy I am. Then I am told how womanly I am acting. I then get very defensive and quite because I don’t want to start an argument. I keep my mouth shut to avoid any negativity. I no longer share my opinions, thoughts, or feelings on very much at all anymore. I realize now what I have lost. I have lost myself.
And then I say to myself…”self, I say…” you are being way too selfish, not understanding, and way too bitchy.” “Yes, I tell myself, “I am, I need to chill and not respond in such a womanly fashion.” Then I ask myself am I really acting this way? Or am I just being made to feel as though I am? And what is “acting womanly” and what isn’t? Have I been manipulated in such a fashion that I can no longer trust myself, my actions, and my feelings? And what if the answer is yes? Did I manipulate myself? There are too many questions. I can’t even spell out exactly what it is I am feeling. |
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